Forget waterboarding, if you want to torture me, put me in the grocery store and make me open those plastic produce bags. Those bags, or as I like to refer to them—Satan sacks—are almost impossible to open. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I see those telltale wads of disappointment littered through the potatoes and onions.
I hear the snickers behind of the masks of the clerks as they watch me rubbing the bags between my hands. They know I’m more likely to start a fire than separate the edges. If only a genie would materialize and grant me my wish of open sesame. I see the looks of pity from the other shoppers who have abandoned all hope of taking home an avocado. Once, I would’ve licked my fingers or tried to blow the top open. Now that is definitely not an option—I would probably be banned from the store for life.
Persisting, I imagine the security personnel eating popcorn and taking bets on whether I will be successful. I’m thinking the odds are not in my favor and they’d be wiser to send the tape to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
I toss down that pitiless plastic produce pouch, my fingers chapped and printless. Who needs fresh fruits and veggies? I resolutely head to the frozen food section. An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but those Satan sacks keep me away from the apples.